New Years Musing

Well, I know it’s not New Years day anymore…but it’s still the new year. And watching Claire Marshall’s video on her reflection on 2015 I was inspired to do the same.
2015, to begin with a cliche, had its ups and downs.
And for a long time, I could only see the downs, but part of the change I wasn’t to make is the ability to see the good, even when it’s clouded by the downs.

In January, I took my sister to her first concert. It was brilliant, having a six year age gap between us means that we haven’t often in the past had a chance to go out on our own. But we had a different type of freedom that we hadn’t experienced before. And I got to part of something that kindled her spark in music, since then I’ve seen her perform live several times. I’m really proud of her.

I turned 21. A milestone. I’m not at a place I thought I would be a this age, but I;m trying to realize I’m ok where I am. The thing that stuck out to me so much about my birthday, is the amount of people I had in my life willing to come out and spend time with me, or send me messages.

I lost my job due to redundancy, and unfortunately, some people I thought were friends didn’t stay in touch. But then I took part in the most amazing internship, were I met new people – new friends – who I am still in touch with. And i took part in a project I enjoyed so much that I stayed as a volunteer for several months after. I had to do things I’d never done before, and I proved to myself that I could do them.

I came of my antidepressants. It;s not easy, some of my relationships have changed: for better and for worse. But I feel more like me – someone who dreams, and is creative, and thinks –  than I have since I was fifteen. Which is amazing.

My grandma died in September.It’s been a year of deaths, unfortunately. And it culminated in this one for me. I now have a very small family, losing three members in the past year. The fact that she’ll never see me graduate, get married, achieve the things I hope to is awful. I miss her so much. But I am glad for the family I have left, and glad she is at a place where she can have peace.

I went to Italy with my friend. It was difficult, just after her death. But I still went – an achievement of itself. I flew on my own for the first time – I cried. From the plane or from grief I don;t know. But I made it back, and I saw things I’d been dreaming about for years.

Then it was back to the grind, for my final year at university. Both terrifying and exhilarating. For the first time in my degree I love my modules, I love what I’m learning, perhaps because I am more willing to see the good. The though of finishing scares me, for the first time in my life I don’t know what I’ll be doing a year from now. I hate that uncertainty. But I’m just going to have to embrace it, because it’s happening regardless.

Not a lot happened between October and December. Life. Essays. Birthdays and the inevitable flurry at Christmas. We had my granddad down for the first time ever. I slept on the floor for a week, but it was worth it.

New year occurred in my pajamas, on the sofa with my mum and my sister. A world away from my big night out at the end of 2014. But it gave me chance to reflect. Thus year I wan to push myself more, experience more, be brave. It’s a vague resolution, but if I break it down into little steps, I can do it. I want to be a better person by the end of the year than I am now, for whatever that means. One week in, and it;s hard, the temptation to forget as we just get on with life is strong, but I know that inevitably I will end up different to how I began.

So, if anyone is reading, and you find it difficult to see the positive. I understand. You’ll get through it, we all will. Think of what you have done so far. Happy 2016.

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