New Year felt flat to me this year. I was invited to a party but decided to stay in and am now battling with the guilt of not going out, even though it felt right for me to be at home when I made the decision. I feel a little funny today, I guess. I put off making New Year’s Resolutions because ‘I had ages’ and then suddenly I didn’t. I feel a little disconnected, I don’t feel motivated to start planning or doing anything, I kind of feel a little meh.
My Resolution last year was to challenge myself once a month, which worked really well and I ticked a lot of things off my ‘challenge’ list so I thought I’d do it again this year, but I don’t feel inspired so far. Last year I kicked off with going to ballroom dancing lessons. I wonder if I would be better to remove the time stipulation and just aim to work through my list of challenges as and when. The time panics me a little now. I don’t know how to start.
Aside from that, a resolution that I do feel connected to (though is significantly more wishy washy) is to find some balance. That means so many things: confidence, peace, spontaneity, joy, to push myself and pace myself. It’s so broad but I would like to be a bit happier this year and find this balance I seem to crave: between good and bad, fast and slow. I get so stressed about things and so worried that I feel like I am just going faster and faster until I can’t help but stop.
I was quite sad to leave 2016, it was a good year, I achieved a lot of things I wanted to, to the point where it makes me intimidated to step forward into the new year. I passed my driving test, finished my degree, started a blog, got a commendation in a poetry competition, took a creative writing course… these are things I never thought I would do, but I’ve done them. Now I have to move on to the even bigger impossible things for me.
This will also be the first year I won’t have anything to catch me. I’ve finished my degree. Anything I do know is entirely my choice. I guess I should feel liberated.
So, Happy New Year. I’ve spent it in my pyjamas, clinging on the last day before I have to go back to work, and worrying about what I should resolve myself to do. Start as you mean to go on, eh? Hope you all had a good night and I hope the spirit of New Year will catch up with us all as we move forward.